No shortcuts

At BallFiend's kindergarten, one of the fathers, who brings his son in each week, literally dumps his son and rushes off. He spends no more than 30 seconds inside the kindergarten, which is as long as it takes him to prise his clinging child out of his arms, and then he races out the door. If the child's back is turned or his face buried in his hands crying (which is usually the case), the father doesn't even say goodbye but sees this as an opportunity to sneak out. The poor boy sobs for the first half of the session and is withdrawn, and sometimes even destructive, for the rest of it. It breaks my heart to see this twice a week. DeepSpice took BallFiend to kinder this morning and after seeing this poor, distressed boy, felt the same way as me.

Before having my own children I was very judgmental of parents, but since having my own, I have come to realise that there are many reasons why parents do what they do. It is all to easy to judge someone on their behaviour at a point in time, without knowing the history that has led up to that point.

For example, I see plenty of parents yelling at their kids and telling them 'no'. (Rather than being the model parent that is described in all the parenting books: the parent who never raises their voice and instead of telling the child 'no', instructs the child on what they should do.) I have learned not to judge these parents (especially since I am one of them!). Usually I can see that they are tired and frazzled, and it is obvious that they do not always speak to their children in this way. Almost all parents of young children are tired (extremely tired!) all the time and tiredness can break the most noble person.

However, in this instance at the kindergarten, the behaviour never changes. I don't know why this father is in such a rush to get away from his son. But whatever it is, I can't understand how it can be so important that he cannot spend a few minutes spent helping his son settle in, followed by a tender cuddle goodbye.

There are no shortcuts in parenting. Children need to feel loved and cared for so that they grow up to be confident, caring adults. It is especially important for children aged up to three years to feel safe and loved - and from what I have read, this is especially so for boys. Children who grow up feeling unloved, unwanted and unsafe are the ones most likely to become thugs and bullies. A few minutes spent helping a three-year-old to feel confident now will prevent months and years spent disciplining a difficult teenager in the future.

The question for me now is whether it is appropriate to intervene - to speak to this father or perhaps the kindergarten teachers?

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